When I was younger, and throughout my life up until now, Thanksgiving was about getting together with family, as the leaves were falling. Everything was orange, red, and brown as the air got crispier and crispier. It was about being thankful and grateful for all of our blessings. It was marked with the Lions football game, tons of potatoes and turkey, and “Pilgrims and Indians” dress up days at school.
Wait. What?
Yup. Pilgrims and Indians dress up days. A way to “cute up” and integrate the story of the First Thanksgiving, the one about how the Pilgrims and Indians shared a harvest feast. Before the genocides, of course...which wasn’t taught in those early grades. Then when it was taught, it was quick and glossy. A thing of the past. “Oops, yeah, that was sad that people were mean to other people, but here we are now and wasn’t that a crazy time in history?”
I dressed up as a first or second grade Indian as I made turkey decorations from construction paper. Here’s the thing though (or, quite a few things actually): Indigenous dress and regalia is not a costume. Indigenous peoples are not a phase of U.S. history. The erasure of Indigenous peoples made me think that, for the most part, they didn’t really exist anymore. And that’s just not true. So, in case you didn't know or needed a reminder, if you are not Indigenous DO NOT USE INDIGENOUS DRESS AS A COSTUME. EVER. It's disrespectful. I should not have been "in costume", child or not, school sanctioned or not.
What I’ve learned since then, and what I’m still learning.
"Indians" was a blanket term used when I was back in school to denote Native Americans, American Indians, or Indigenous People. A blanket term used because there was little distinction between different nations. There were a few nations that got mentioned, but I’ve since learned that there are many distinct nations with different languages, customs, cultures, etc. I don’t remember what I wore to school, but I am 100% positive that I had absolutely no clue which culture(s) I was appropriating.
The website for the National Congress of American Indians says that “There are 574 federally recognized Indian Nations (variously called tribes, nations, bands, pueblos, communities and native villages) in the United States. Approximately 229 of these ethnically, culturally and linguistically diverse nations are located in Alaska; the other federally recognized tribes are located in 35 other states. Additionally, there are state recognized tribes located throughout the United States recognized by their respective state governments.”
There are some nations that are unrecognized in the eyes of the United States government, which is another form of erasure.
The term "Indian", as it was applied during my grade school years, holds racism from its use by colonial settlers' monolithic application to a huge number of distinct groups. That being said, it's best to refer to people as they would like to be referred to. Indian to some Indigenous people might be offensive, and to others it might not- another example how Indigenous people are not a monolith.
It is important for me to note that I'm using the term Indigenous people(s) as the United Nations does to "refer broadly to peoples of long settlement and connection to specific lands who have been adversely affected by incursions by industrial economies, displacement, and settlement of their traditional territories by others." (https://indigenousfoundations.arts.ubc.ca/terminology/)
Thanksgiving, then and now
I’m struggling with these traditions that I’m finally recognizing as drenched in horrible (and on-going) histories of genocide, erasure, exclusion, and racism. Shoutout to the 4th of July, the hypocritical celebration of Freedom. While I'm thinking about this history and these relationships in relation to Thanksgiving, we should be thinking about this all year round. Acknowledging Indigenous peoples around Thanksgiving and then ignoring them every other day is unacceptable.
So, this year I'm going to take the day to practice gratitude and share a beautiful meal, as my family taught me to. (Let's all be careful and conscious about gatherings during Covid!) I will not be celebrating the Pilgrims, or the first Thanksgiving, or the Manifest Destiny mindset of the United States. It's imperative that we think critically about what we are celebrating and how other people are affected. I also ask that we (you and I both) acknowledge our part in colonization and work towards righting our wrongs.
What can I do, What am I doing
I need to do a lot more research to understand the full weight, history, and on-going issues. I don't have any easy answers. All I know is that it's well past the time for reckoning- on personal, local, and national levels.
What I’m beginning to understand is that a lot of us are occupying unceded land, stolen by the U.S. government. A good place to start would be looking up whose land you are occupying at Native Land. I am on the land of the Lower Elwha Klallam Tribe.
I'm learning about the state of and different types of treaties between Indian Nations and the U.S. and Canadian government.
I also have to recognize my involvement with the National Park Service- land that was stolen and then preserved and protected for American ( and let's be honest, mostly white) citizens. By creating these park and land boundaries, the government cut communities off from land that they stewarded, subsided on, held sacred. I'm having lots of trouble with this one- recognizing that a place/system I love was built on inhumane practices. And what do I do with that information now? How do I apply it in my life? Open questions that I'll keep working on.
I have been learning a lot of new things about Indigenous peoples of Canada and the United States, the Land Back movement, Native feminist theories, environmental relationships, and my own relationships to each of those. So much of that information and spark of learning came from this month’s November syllabus put together by Rachel Cargle at The Great Unlearn. I highly highly recommend joining this group! There is a new self-paced syllabus every month curated with so much information as well as opportunities to learn from and discuss topics with experts.
Here are a few things I’ll be looking at in my own life, and I invite you to do the same!
- Whose land am I on? Looking forward to getting to know the local history of my area and the Lower Elwha Klallam Tribe.
- What contemporary issues are happening within my local community, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, and what is the Indigenous perspective?
- How do organizations and city/government structures around me respect or disrespect Indigenous people(s)
- Appropriation: what clothing, art, words, customs, spirituality, etc have I appropriated/ am I appropriating?
- Words- Do I use the terms Spirit Animal, Tribe, and Pow Wow?
- Do I know the history, the Nation that they apply to, and why I might want to stop using these terms so casually?
- Are Indigenous people represented in my class materials/books/articles/areas of study/popular culture?
- If they are, How are they represented?
- Do I only read/think about Indigenous people in terms of grief, tragedy, and loss? What other human experiences and contributions am I missing?
- Seek out Indigenous artists, authors, academics, activists!
- I'm excited to start listening to two podcasts: The Henceforward and Métis in Space
- Seek out Indigenous artists, authors, academics, activists!
There is so much more to learn /think about/ talk about/ work on! I'm just a beginner here, but we all have to start somewhere.
Personally, I LOVE Winter and am looking forward to so many things. To wrap up the previous season(s) I'm sharing few fun pictures from various camping and hiking adventures this year.
MAY
May was when we first arrived in Washington, so we only did some day hikes. It was nice to be back and warm up our hiking legs amongst lush green trees and the changing colors of spring.
Oh, and of course, we got to bring our bestest puppy Baloo on some hikes on Forest Service land (don't worry, Park people)!
JULY
I'm sure that we did something in June...maybe...but also probably not since I don't have pictures of it.
Anyway, July was all about mountains and the coast!
Parker looking like an ad for an outdoorsy sunglasses company. Me with the rip on my shorts from sliding on sharp rocks.
I'm tired just looking at these pictures, but it's hard to beat those views. And dipping into a mountain lake on a hard day is pretty prime as well.
Onto the coast! I found one of my new favorite campsites, we saw the smallest bit of a seal, and I read and painted. The bonus of not camping in the high country is that we could have a bonfire- which is always a plus for me.
AUGUST
Cedar Lake is one of our favorite spots in the park, and I think it's easy to see why.
SEPTEMBER
My last backpacking trip of this year was to Lake LaCrosse. I'd never been on this trail or to this lake. Parker convinced me to go because the fall colors were gonna be great and there was talk of possible bear sightings.
To start, here's a fun bridge!
This was our first bear sighting! As we rounded a corner that looked down on thelast half mile to the lake we saw one adult slowly grazing on berries.
She wasn't too concerned with us, but moved out of our way when she heard us coming. There were also a few smaller cubs in the area; you can see one in the mid-ground on the left as it scampered away.
Most of this trip was watching the bears roam around and admiring the fall colors, as promised.
I even got to watch a bear swim across the lake!
Thanks for checking in! See you soon for more Winter activities.
P.S. Happy Birthday to my dear sister, Ellie! She's currently being cool in Spain, but you can still send her a "Hi, how are ya?!" on her socials!
If you're interested, check out her blog, Mensajes De Madrid, to read about her life in Spain for the next few months.
There is a certain sadness that comes from knowing you have things to give while being completely unsure of how to apply those things in a meaningful way. I have been having this existential crisis for as long as I can remember. Mostly it comes up in regards to a career.
And then I met Deanna.
And what do you know, she feels the same way! haHA! So we've bonded over our shared confusion, but bonding doesn't give you a clear direction on what you should do with your life. Or does it? Maybe relationships push us outside of ourselves in ways that inform what we think we are capable of...
Strangers. Roommates. Friends.
When I moved to Washington, I moved into a house with three people already living there. Two of them were complete strangers, including Deanna. The crack into getting to know Deanna came when I recognized her as competitive. I could see her getting upset at losing board games and I LOVED IT because I'm like that too- who has the time to spend an hour playing a game that you invest in and then not get mad at losing?!?!
Once you live with someone, especially during the weirdness of Covid Times, you enter a strange alternate timeline of intimacy. I've only known Deanna a few months, but it feels VERY WEIRD if I don't see her for two days.
Deanna's job includes working in the backcountry, so in addition to having gorgeous, epic landscapes, it was fitting to do this session on a backpacking trip. We did a three day, two night trip up to an alpine lake. We stayed in the same spot each night, giving us a whole day to relax, read, take pictures, snack hard, and skinny dip in the lake. That means she carried her dress and clothing options in her bag- which is dedication because every additional ounce makes hiking in and out harder.
Untangling Expectations
Deanna is really introspective, and acutely aware of herself. She expressed to me that she is the listener in every one of her relationships. She shared that this is perhaps a character trait, and also very likely the trap of being a "nice girl". A quiet girl. I think a lot of women can relate. Girls are shown explicitly and implicitly that they are there to please others. We are often placed in this situation from a young age. Pulling apart this narrative might take us the rest of our lives. Thanks, Patriarchy. Anyway, Deanna is sifting through who she is apart from expectations.
Together in our pre-session chat, we agreed that the goal of the shoot would be to empower Deanna by highlighting her strength and capability. My personal added goal was to make this all about her for once. As the "listener", as the "quiet one", as the "understanding, supportive" one, people can start to feel erased. This session is a declaration by and for Deanna alone.
This session felt exploratory, both for Deanna and for myself as a photographer shooting in a new environment. Feeling at home in a naked body is not necessarily an easy thing; and putting yourself front and center can be unnerving for a number of reasons. One of the things I loved about this session was observing Deanna as she settled into her body. In our pre-chat, she said that she wanted to explore an intimacy for herself outside of the sexual. That kind of intimacy feels very clear to me in our session. What a beautiful concept too- to feel appreciation for your body outside of cultural definitions of nudity and sexuality.
Who is Deanna?
It's difficult to describe Deanna because there is so much going on beneath the surface. She describes herself as boring, but I don't think that's even a little bit true. Her reserved nature usually makes her one of the quietest people in a room. People often equate quiet to boring. But I know. I know that she's observing, searching, and (probably) over-analyzing with deep intellect. Here's a few other fun facts that might put these puzzle pieces together. Deanna has a truly calming presence, and is usually down for an adventure. Her generosity shines through her gifts of homemade kombucha and scones. It's easy to feel taken care of and appreciated by her. Her witty comebacks are perfectly timed and perfectly executed. Her eyes twinkle if you suggest an idea that she likes. She reads a lot. From what I can tell, she doesn't really judge other people because she's too busy putting in work to better herself. Finally, she can't make a casual decision to save her life, so don't ask her to pick where to get dinner.
She carries a sense of humility, but as you can see from our session, that is not to say a lack of confidence. I'd be remiss to not point out the level of boldness that Deanna embodies, during this session as well as after, in this publication of her images. Deanna's demeanor is complicated to trace.
This is by and for Deanna alone, but that's a lie because it was clearly also for me. I mean just look at all these cool pictures! Deanna was extremely open to my vision and ideas. Even when I forgot simple words like "elbow" and explained it as "the part of your arm over there that bends". Listen, photographers are always trying to do like four things at once. She trusted me implicitly, and I am thankful for that.
That face is a reaction to when I told her, "Think about your life in the next five years." Sheer panic. Comical and oh-so-real.
This day was perfect. It was hot and sunny, so we would dip into the lake and then dry out on the rocks. We had the entire area to ourselves, aside from some adorable marmots. A truly good sport, Deanna submerged herself in the VERY icy lake multiple times so that I could get more shots.
*Here's a little behind the scenes view of our camp.*
Nudes in Nature is an ongoing series that started as self-portraits. This series has continued to inform my other portrait sessions as well. Forms and patterns in nature are mirrored in the human body. The use of black and white images highlights lines and shadows in both the rocks and her body. These repeated motifs help the viewer to see the interconnectedness of humans and the natural environment.
The sun dipped below the mountain peaks and cast a warm glow along the rocky ridges above us. I felt like we were kids, playing around and exploring all that we could before nightfall. These last pictures hold both a sense of calm and a sense of searching. An ideal representation of this specific chapter of Deanna's life. You can see her confidence- earned through her years of work to get there. You can see her desire to figure out the next step. And you can see her thinking it all through.
Deanna's Vibe= Composed and Complex: Thoughtfully figuring it all out.
In the evening of our last night, we ventured up to the pass trying to catch the sunset. The wildfire smoke from California, Oregon, and Washington crept in and obscured it, but the view back down to the lake was worth it.
We hiked back down, drank whiskey and wine, and looked at the stars. It was as lovely as it sounds.
Dear Deanna, you created these images. You inspired all of the softness, strength, openness, and beauty. What you see in the images is what I see in you. Now please make popcorn, grab a bottle of wine, and come to the living room to watch TV with me!
To see more of sessions like this, follow me on Instagram @SkinbySilt!
Artist Highlight: James Bester
James Bester is an interdisciplinary artist with a focus on ceramic art. He is currently a Teacher's Assistant and Studio Assistant at Northern Michigan University.
Q: What was your first exposure to ceramic art and how did you decide to become a ceramic artist?
Phil Lyons was my high school ceramic teacher. His passion and love for ceramics made me want to be a ceramic artist. I also saw a lack of black people in the community of ceramics and wanted to change that.
Q: What advice would you give to people who want to work with ceramics?
Enjoy the process. Ceramics is such a majestic peaceful form of art that many people will never get to enjoy, if you do decide to get into Ceramics know that it is a process that will not be conquered in one day. It will take time to learn the large world of Ceramics.
Pot Heads- Artist Statement
"Ni**er Head Jugs", more commonly known as "Face Jugs" or "Ugly Head Jugs" have heavily influenced my pottery. They were brought to America by the enslaved peoples of the Democratic Republic of Congo and Angola. Subsequently introduced to the greater American populace by slaves in the Edgefield district of North Carolina during the 1890's. The Slaves were not allowed grave markers so the pots acted as rudimentary gravestones and religious shrines to celebrate their loved ones.
As a continuation of the original communicative intention of the slave's pottery, I am using my own "Pot Heads" as a form of illustrating difficult conversational topics that effect me personally.
Q: There's a lot of history in the development and production of Face Jugs, and looking at historical pieces from the 1890s really contextualizes your work. Why is it important to you to make work connected to these original Face Jugs? How do you see these pieces operating today, in 2020?
Connecting face jugs of the 1890s to my work gives them a reference point. The problems of the past can help shed light on the problems that we have in right now. I see these pieces operating in today’s world as conversation holders. It’s important for my potheads to be connected with these face jugs because it is spreading the history I was not taught but had to find. This is a predicament I find myself in a lot being a black man in America not knowing my history. When I do find knowledge about my people I want to Spread it to any ear that will listen. My pots can do that because of the connection to the past.
Q: How do your Pot Heads differ from the traditional Face Jugs?
The traditional face jugs were actually called ugly face jugs and before that Ni**** face jugs. These were functional pots whose purpose was for every day use. My potheads are mostly non-functional pots. I take history to connect with my ancestors, then I take functional forms to connect with the ceramic community. Lastly, I add my perspective on the black experience living as a black man.
Q: What is your favorite part of the process of making one of your Pot Heads?
Throwing the pot* is everything to me, it’s a process that brings me such peace.
*The process of shaping clay on a potter's wheel.
Q: How do you come up with the faces?
I started out looking into mirrors and using my own face to help guide me on what I want to put on the pot. Now most of the time I pick a subject I want to talk about- from the black experience, to smoking weed, to my never ending quest of trying to be better to women, to my love with cats. The goal is now to start a conversation that people would want to join or just enjoy being included.
Q: A lot of these jugs are self-portraits. Do the self-portraits operate as statements to the world about who you are, or are they more a deeply personal exploration of you, by you?
Although the art world is changing I still feel there’s a need of black presence that hasn’t been meet. I think making the work have a resemblance to myself promotes self love. I feel adding yourself to parts of your work is vital as much as a signature; you can't ask people to be vulnerable and engage with your art or the conversation if you won’t take the lead. One way I choose to do that is by adding my facial features to the pot. I use my stories and experiences or knowledge I think people should know about.
Q: I've read that Face Jugs were often small, but a lot of your work is really big. Why do you work and make on such a large scale- for Pot Heads and your other work?
Making potheads Big further connects the work to myself. Traditionally pots are supposed to be very light and elegant. My pots have elegancy but I keep the pots heavy to show appreciation to all the giants of the world.
Q: Do you have a favorite Pot Head?
I love all of them because I take so much time thinking bout all of them.
Q: You're a ceramic artist, but I've been a long time fan of your photography as well. AND you paint! Do you see yourself as an interdisciplinary artist? How do your photography and painting work inform your ceramics and vice versa? Or do you view them as completely separate expressions?
I am for sure an interdisciplinary artist. By exploring other art forms I can use what I learned to then help convey the Message or question I’m attempting to present in other projects. All my work is connected because it’s all coming from my perspective. I take what I learned from all of these different forms of art whether that be Ceramics, painting, or photography and I try to show black kids that there are so many ways that they can express themselves. I think My Potheads can start conversations and bring people together who usually won’t be together. I want my work to connect with Black people to bring them inside of museums and spaces that they usually wont go into because they can’t connect with anything inside. I want to change the way museums only serve a certain demographic of people. I want to fill rooms with pots, paintings, photography, and any other form that helped me create the idea.
A huge thank you to Bester for sharing and talking about his work with me. I didn't know anything about Face Jugs until I was introduced through his work, and I am so grateful to him for sharing this thread of history to the present. I hope that everyone reading this learned something new, did some further research, and follows James to see more of his genius. Finally, if you can, buy some art!
For more information on the Face Jugs that Bester introduced us to, check out this page at the Smithsonian.
All purchase inquiries can be made directly to Bester by Instagram DM
I consider myself confident, comfortable, and extremely in love with my body. It took years of work and reframing and growth and learning, but I think my body rocks! I have a beautiful butt and cool, powerful thighs. And yet, and still... Leading up to my session I started getting lots of nagging thoughts.
Why did I have to get a break out on my face this week? This piece of clothing doesn't fit like I thought it did. Do my pubes look crazy right now? Am I gonna shave them? How? Should I not shave them cause that's conforming to the damn system? Why does my face look like that when I try to smile sexy? So and so's boobs are much fuller than mine.
So I get it. I know it's hard. Up until this session, I had always taken my intimate self portraits myself with a timer on my camera or had my partner hit the shutter button a few times. It felt really different to me to have someone else take these images, even though she and I are very close friends. It felt...really intimate. And trust in my photographer and in myself is the only way I followed through.
My good friend Sophie was the photographer for this entire session, and then I did all the editing for the images.
Most of the time, I'm the photographer. As the photographer I know that whatever or whoever I am taking pictures of will be through my personal internal lens. If I'm doing it right, the pictures will reflect back to you what I see in and feel from you. I was curious to see what Sophie sees in me.
I look FREAKING GORGEOUS in these pictures, so I can feel how much Sophie loves me. What do you see in these pictures? What's your sense of the person I am? Intimate Portraiture is so much about the subject and what they are bringing. BUT it also has a lot to do with your photographer creating a comfortable environment for you to feel encouraged in being yourself. My deepest thanks to Sophie for creating that space for me.
To be honest, I was not feeling especially pumped for my shoot. I was in the middle of a round of depression. The news of more tragedies and deaths was weighing heavily on my heart. The Covid pandemic had finally caught up to me in a way that registered physically in my body. So, I practiced what I tell my clients to do. I paid special attention to self-care in the days leading up to my shoot and I did things that I know make me feel better. And on the day of, I made it a celebration!
Here's what I did:
- drank lots of water all week
- washed my hair the day before (I wash once a week, but I pushed my wash day back 4 days later so my hair was at my favorite texture)
- packed my outfit choices the night before to get me excited
- set my alarm late enough to sleep in fully and early enough to avoid anxiety about being late
- made myself a makeshift latte instead of regular coffee- just to signify that something was special about the day
- took a morning bath and shaved my legs (cause I like when they are soft!)
- took the time to moisturize my legs, face, and even my cuticles- felt real fancy
- did yoga while watching tv
Doing things based on how to look your best for pictures might seem shallow, but the deeper truth is that it's about making time for yourself and having routines that make you feel good. It's about taking the time to sit with your feelings and process. It's also very much about taking the time to sit with your body. Give yourself a foot massage, dude! Notice how your bum squishes when you sit. Rest your hands on your stomach and feel your breath from that point of view.
It feels forced at first.
For sure. But as the shoot went on, I felt more and more sure of myself- of my body and of my person. We ended up having tons of fun playing around. We even climbed up on the roof like I loved to do as a kiddo.
As I was editing, I caught myself smiling at the pictures of me smiling. I felt my posture automatically change- I sat taller in my seat as I edited these images of me looking strong. I giggled at my blue eyes, soft belly, and cellulite. For three days after the session I felt truly obsessed with myself in the best way. And I still smile and get a confidence boost when I look at my images. It really is amazing to see yourself reflected back to you in a beautiful image. And I'm proud. I'm really proud of the person I see in these images- a person that is sometimes hard for me to see in the mirror. The things that I see most clearly in these pictures, that I often can't see about myself, are strength and joy.
These next images are sexxxyyy and I am here for it! I love the shadows, the lines from my rolls, the leaf pattern in my bralette while chillin in the woods, and feeling a sexuality that is completely mine. These aren't for anyone but myself. You all only get to see them cause I'm bragging! And if you don't like them, great! Shove off! I don't care!
This set of Black and White images are especially fun for me. They are Sophie's work more than mine, but they fit right in with an ongoing series of self-portraits of mine called "Nudes in Nature". The play of mirrored shapes and textures between natural elements and my body are just Delightful!
And now, for power poses and hair flips!
As someone who pumps up other women and celebrates the beauty in every form, I've still got my own hangups. That's still true. The hangups are still there, but the voice in my head that criticizes me is quieter and comes around less. After my session, I feel reaffirmed in knowing my beauty- one that is rooted in so many parts of who I am.
We've been force fed consistent criticism about our bodies for so long that it becomes an internalized belief. And while we may see others as beautiful and strong, it's harder for us to believe the same about ourselves. My goal with my Intimate Portraiture work is to help people confront those voices and knock that nonsense out of their hearts. If this sounds like an experience that would help you in any way celebrate yourself, book a session with me. Let's go! Let's do it! I promise it is worth it.
Moonbather
I dragged volumes
of a body I didn’t create,
but was responsible for, house
to winterized house. Each renovated
frame bore pencil marks
of a sharp, darling growth.
& in each I heard upstairs, dachshunds
yip in their dreams, your parents creak
bathroom to bed as you
curled closer & I sunk deeper
into your ribs. Each time I knew
when it was time to go
by a new name, it’d be like ripping
off a band-aid, you’d said.
So many hands it took
but from a hangnail it came
right off. A layered mesh
of fabric & flesh, a palimpsest
of posture & habit, till what word was
first, became meaningless.
Each new moon filled
my opened insides, with future light,
the grammarless text of my body
By that promise, I read
& ate of them.
Welcome to the first Artist Highlight! This week, we're talking poetry.
I interviewed Ella Flores, the author of Moonbather for an expanded understanding of her work. Enjoy!
Q: Hey, Ella! I want to start easy for all the people like me who struggle with poetry. It took lots of rereading, but after sitting with your work for some time I found Moonbather to be a little light of hope that sat in my chest. It signifies the possibility of change. For us poetry newbies, please quickly share the themes explored in Moonbather.
Hi, Rachel! Moonbather juggles quite a few images, many of which fill out a theme of metamorphosis. Like you mentioned, this process is imbued with the possibility of change, a process which is nonetheless emotionally complicated for those who undergo life altering events. Moonbather explores the bittersweetness of drastic change, and despite the saving grace such change can be, it also poses the inevitable question: was it all worth it? And while it doesn’t aim to provide an answer, Moonbather is an exercise in comfort.
Q: In Moonbather, you give us a journey of shedding layers but also of recreation. I’ve often seen these concepts presented in a dichotomy. Either the “peeling off layers of extras to get to an authentic self”, or the “make yourself what you want to be”. What is the relationship between these two ideas for you?
In Moonbather, the shedding of layers to reach an “authentic self” is a precursor, and a necessary process, to reach a “recreated self”. I always liked the way Alexander Leon (an LGBTQ+ activits) framed it, speaking to growing up queer, and how for us “the massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us & which parts we’ve created to protect us”. Under a queer lens, the poem reinforces how bound these two ideas are. But I wrote Moonbather on a vaguer scale, talking to the massive upheavals of the self that are rarely discrete, be it loss, be it trauma, etc. Thinking about it now, it strikes me that the poem functions in and of itself as a layer of protection.
Q: I think that a lot of people struggle with finding their core self, and further, in authentically standing in that core self. I’m still rooting around to figure out what’s authentic to me versus what is years of cultural conditioning. How do change and growth inform authenticity?
Authenticity is funny. It’s often a compromise between nature and nurture, and for so many, the pain of those two being at odds with each other. Childhood is often culturally seen as a primordial phase, innocence and what have you, but as a child you know so little of the possibilities of the world and of life. I think seeing a past self as ideal, is an illusion. Authenticity has always felt more like a horizon you reach without knowing, as long as you keep going.
Q: There is a sense of deep knowing, of instinct in your poetry; “Each time I knew/ when it was time to go / by a new name”. What does it mean to trust your inner voice?
In many ways, trusting that inner voice is the crux of Moonbather. This is where I’ll get a little behind the scenes-y with the poem. One of the joys of poetry is the line break (quite literally where one chooses to break the line). Being intentional with line breaks can augment the meaning of a sentence. The line you mentioned “when it was time to go / by a new name” breaks on “time to go” and leaves the reader hanging on that meaning before continuing. It’s like having smaller sentences or images within larger ones. Many lines in Moonbather break in the middle of a sentence, quite literally revealing an inner voice. “Each time I knew / when it was time to go” shows the speaker knowing their internal change would also mean leaving that home and place of comfort, shown earlier in the poem.
Q: I was drawn to the connection with nature in the line “Each new moon filled/ my opened insides, with future light,” There is a sense of renewal linked to the cycles in the natural world, such as the phases of the moon. What’s your connection to the moon, and how are you fed by it?
What made the moon such a central image to the poem is its contrasting ability to exist on the periphery while also effecting on the world so heavily. I wanted to undermine the romantic trope of the moon by emphasizing its absence, or technically in its new moon phase, it’s dark presence. I wanted to tie that undermined image to the romantic trope of leaving a hometown, moving across the country, having revelations with a loved one, or undergoing internal growth. The poem points to the pain of being within those changes, of not yet being on the other side. The absence of a visible moon, but faith in that it will appear tomorrow is representative of how the speaker sees their transformation, the promise of “future light”, of an “other side“, helps them get through, whether it’s true or not.
Q: As a photographer who communicates through visual images, poetry seems to be the inverse to me. As a poet, you lead readers to mental images and feelings through your words. Why are words your chosen form of art?
I would like to say I fell into it, but goodness knows I wanted to be a poet since I wrote my first poem in 5th grade. It was terrible. But because of it, I began to write privately, sharing things amongst friends later in high school. It wasn’t until college that my creative writing professor exposed me to contemporary poetry, and it gave me a sense of purpose. It’s little things that are huge barriers between pursuing art or not. As a poet, simply being shown what journals there were, how to submit to them, how to find contests, and that careers were possible with creative writing, was life changing. I could say it’s my art form because a part of me didn’t want those years of writing poems in composition books to go to waste, or that it was the only dream I felt I could feasibly achieve, but truly, it’s simply been the way I helped myself: making art out of experiences, terrible and beautiful, having an excuse to research all my curiosities to incorporate them into my art. It’s the closest I’ve found to potentially helping others with what I do to help myself. And I know I’ll never tire of it.
Many thanks to Ella for sharing her work and thoughtful answers with me for this interview!
Follow what she's up to on Instagram- @theworstflores
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I first met Audrey at her friend's session; she was there as friend, hype-woman, and encourager. She also was really kind and made sure that I was eating and drinking enough while shooting :) I was super pumped when she scheduled a session because I got the sense that our body philosophies and goals aligned.
We had an awesome chat about body politics, shame, sexuality, and experiences around our bodies. When I asked about her relationship with her body she responded that her current state is the result of a purposeful journey. She is bold, open, and unapologetic. You definitely feel her presence in the room as she comfortably claims her space and speaks her mind.
In her own words, Audrey is someone who "explores the realms of somatic and sexuality and connection to our own bodies and the Earth." We agreed that her session needed to be about the experience as much as about the resulting photos. So she did it up! We had lattes in the morning, followed by champagne and a charcuterie board she made for herself, incense, and flowers. She also brought her baby-sitting-for-the-pandemic cutie Paris to be part of the fun.
As you can see, Audrey's studies include lots of cool books. In true Audrey fashion, she gave me a book at the beginning of our session.
It's called "The Body is Not An Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor, and I highly recommend it to everyone!
Audrey's determination to embody her sexuality was so fun to be around. And that sexuality was deeply intertwined with a grounded connection to the earth. When talking about exploring that, she keep saying wild things like "the earth normalizes my body" and thinking about "the sensuality of working within nature". Far out and very cool!
Audrey's Vibe = Sensual Powerhouse
Follow @SkinbySilt for more Intimate Portrait Sessions!
umm. What?
The world of photography is full of keywords, descriptors, and buzzwords.
Every industry has its jargon, I suppose. Raise your hand if you've ever come across these words when searching for a photographer: candid, authentic, traditional, non-traditional, boudoir, lifestyle, etc, etc, etc forever and ever.
I roll my eyes at these, but at the end of the day, I use descriptors to let people know what they can expect from me and what my work will look like.
Intimate Portraiture is the way I describe and categorize this facet of my work.
I have used "Boudoir", but after some thought and conversations I found that it was too narrow of a focus. Boudoir generally brings up thoughts of lingeré and sexually inviting poses within a bedroom setting. I have started thinking of my work as beyond boudoir. I have used "Lifestyle", but that also limited what I was actually seeing from people. "Couples" or "Family" or "Seniors" describe what you are at the moment (often relating to your position relative to someone else), but I'd rather ask 'who are you?' Cue the Caterpillar. You deserve to commemorate and celebrate yourself in whatever moments you choose- you don't need a graduation or engagement!
The words you'll see from me a lot are Intimate, Authentic, and Raw
oooooh. Ahhhhhh. Let's dive into what those mean.
- Intimate
Intimate means so much more than nudity. It means that you are sharing parts of yourself with me- and that's an honor and responsibility that I do not hold lightly. You are sharing your home, your feelings, your nudity, your sexuality, your art, your expressions, your intelligence, your quirks, your time, your experiences, all of it. You're sharing so many things with me. The point is for me to capture as much of that as possible.
This is not to downplay or demonize nudity. A lot of my work is actually nude. I would never want to ignore a person's sexuality either- that's a really cool part of being human! I just want to acknowledge that nudity and sexuality are only parts of the puzzle. In fact, you don't necessarily need to have either for an intimate portrait.
- Authentic
If we are working together, I want you to be you. I do not want to replicate things that are trending, commercial beauty standards, or what your friend did. Your person, your brand, your body are all unique to you. What makes me feel sexy might not be the same as what makes you feel sexy. Wear make-up, or don't! Shave your legs, or don't! There is not one way to be beautiful, but there is a way that is authentic to you. That is what I want to see! A portrait can be beautiful, but if it doesn't have authenticity, it doesn't have the soul.
- Raw
Raw means real, and real is so much better than perfect. Perfect is boring. AND perfect is a subjective construct. So maybe I do like "perfect" but perfect to me includes all of the real and the messy. I'm not a photographer who will edit out your wrinkles or cellulite. Those things are natural and I'm not gonna edit out those gorgeous holders of life experiences. I also don't want you to change your spaces- they should reflect your life. By all means, wipe down your counters and make your bed, but please don't stress about having a perfect space. The important thing is that it's you and it's your space.
The goal of every session is to authentically highlight how all of these things come together to make up a person. It's a holistic approach to showcasing a person through the visual of the human body's power and magic.
Here are some images that convey these three themes:
Eleanor in the snow exemplifies authenticity. This is everyday winter wear for her and her mid-giggle squint is as natural as her playfulness.
Now let's check out a different kind of intimate portrait. The access to a private space and moment is extremely intimate. Authenticity is found in the things that are scattered throughout my room: a wine glass on the nightstand, a towel thrown over the closet door, and of course, the real tears of my depression. And rawness is shown in the emotional state. Crying faces aren't really sexy, well...mine isn't at least. BUT these pictures are part of my puzzle, and the connection I feel to them is important to me. Real is more important than perfect.
With Ella's three pictures you can feel intimacy in the sharing of private spaces and levels of nudity. However, the intimacy here comes mostly from the openness of emotion that she allows us to access- check her eyes. Authenticity is in the pictures on her walls, socks on her feet, and softness of expression.
And now, for Rawness. Stretch marks! Cellulite! Dirt on the bottom of my feet!
This photo of Sophie is another one that includes all of the three themes. It gives the viewer a sense of who she is by calculating all the available elements: what is she wearing, how is she standing, what space is she in, what's her expression, what is in the art on her walls.
This last photo is one of the most intimate pictures of me that exists.
There's a level of intimacy from the access to a private space, personal belongings, nudity, and vulnerability in emotion. It helps that this was taken by my partner- which is a comfortable space for me. I have lots of portraits that show more nudity, but this image is far more intimate because it connects multiple pieces of who I am.
I love this picture: not because I feel sexy, but because I feel seen. And THAT is the importance of intimate portraiture.
Check out SkinbySilt on Instagram (below) to see more Intimate Portraiture!
Welcome to Port Angeles, where gorgeous mountain views are just a *quick* drive up the mountain.
And welcome to my life. Living with a house full of Olympic National Park employees means I get to play in the park whenever I want!
*Actually 45 min- 1 hour, but **who's counting**?
**That'd be me, someone who gets very carsick** #worthit
Nicole and Austin got married in 2018. Right now they live approximately 1,200 miles apart.
From the start of their relationship, they have had to navigate a lot of distance. Nicole works for Olympic National Park and Austin is a Major in the United States Air Force. Currently, Nicole lives in Port Angeles, WA and Austin is stationed in Las Vegas, NV. So when Austin came to visit for a weekend, we made a last minute decision to do a pregnancy session (perks of being roommates with a photographer!).
And at the time of this session Nicole was 26 weeks (5 months) pregnant... In the middle of a pandemic...
These two keep taking on whatever is thrown at them.
During our session, I didn't feel any of the tough stuff. It just felt like these two were having fun and loving some time together. It felt like a date night. Plus one third wheel...Shoutout to Austin for cramming the back of the car so I could have the front seat! One or both of them were laughing in almost every single picture.
I love that.
Friends, Roommates, Snack Pals
Nicole and I have been roommates three different times in three different houses (that's only scratching the surface of life as a seasonal worker... for those who are wondering). This time, it's in her house! She has always been an extremely generous person, and I owe her a lot. We steal each other's decaf coffee (when one of us is pregnant and one of us is trying not to have another cup of caffeine). And then we share creamer when one of us inevitably runs out. We bond most over our shared love of snacks. It's always more fun to sneak snacks when you have a partner is crime to do it with. It's been my great honor to make her "pregnancy cookies" (aka choc-oat-chip) as my contribution to her pregnancy well-being.
Nicole is always giving and sharing. We like to talk behind her back about how wonderful she is. She is also full of interesting tidbits that you have to pry out of her. She graduated from the Air Force Academy. She worked as a whitewater raft guide. She has lived in 7 different states. I'm five years of friendship in, and I'm sure there is more that she hasn't shared. She's an incredibly gifted person, and she's gonna be an incredible mother.
On our drive down from the Ridge we saw a black bear! And then we got milkshakes and fries; the best way to end a session!
Nicole and Austin Pregnancy Vibe= Things are weird. We got this!
Nicole's Vibe= Consistent and lovely, like your daily cup of morning coffee on the porch
Cheers to Nicole, Austin, and soon to be kiddo! Thanks for reading and come back soon!
She swims, she surfs, she dives to the ocean floor and harvests sea urchin to snack on the uni. If you eat enough uni, it can give you a bit of a high (it contains anandamide- a chemical neurotransmitter). That's sort of Sophie in a nutshell- a bit of a buzz that comes from the most natural of places. High off of energy that comes from being connected to your environment.
Her second choice of home is her property tucked back into the woods.
Sophie owns 12 acres of pure wild Washington growth. Her house is full of art by her friends or made herself, warmed by a wood stove, and covered by living roof over the garage. Soon she and her partner will start work on building a new earthen home.
A Photography Dream
When Sophie asked me to photograph her for a portrait session, I immediately said yes! Getting to photograph a friend is such an honor. She told me that one of the reasons she wanted to do this session was to document her home and her land. It was all about highlighting her essence in her own spaces. Her energy radiates through her- touching everybody and everything around her. It was a dream scenario for me.
Her soulmate Quil is as self-sufficient and loyal as one could ever hope to find.
So, of course, he makes multiple appearances. Home is all the things and people and creatures that make us feel most like ourselves.
Sophie was my first and only Summer Love
I met Sophie in 2015 when I moved into a house of seasonal National Park employees. My partner worked for the Park, so I joined him for the summer. Shout out to the #goodvibes house! I fell in love with her so deeply that I felt a fissure in my heart when I left after a few months to go back to Michigan. We held each other and cried on my mattress on the floor as we struggled to say goodbye. That summer love evolved into what I hope will be a lifelong affair.
A Kitchen Full of Love
I go to Sophie when I need:
-to laugh
-to cry
-a homemade meal
-craft time
-a drink in my hand before I even walk in the door
The Good Time G&T
Sophie made us Gin&Tonics as we moved our photo shoot into the kitchen. Oh that kitchen. It's defined by pickled veggies and a constant stream of homemade sourdough bread. The open room concept means that I usually get to sit on the couch and relax as Soph whips up something delicious.
Sophie's actual home is the ocean.
But damn if those green ferns and mossy woods don't fit her just as well.
The Sophie Vibe: Soulful Adventure
I know, I know. I actually moved back in May. There has been a lot to process since then, which is why I'm only now sharing my new place.
Moving during the COVID-19 pandemic was really scary and tough on so many logistical levels. Parker and I packed, stocked up on sanitizer and masks, and drove pretty much straight to Washington. Our place is actually our friend's house, so we got to move in right away. She had a room for us and pizza waiting in the kitchen when we rolled up!
Port Angeles, Washington is a town that is tucked in-between Olympic National Park and the Salish Sea. Basically, we've got mountains to the south and the ocean to the north between us and Canada! Port Angeles is located on the traditional territory of the Klallam Tribe. I highly recommend learning more about the native lands you occupy at Native-Land.
Around the house
Meet Baloo- the cuddliest pup who insisted on being a part of as many photos as possible.
My Office (aka, the living room)
*Please note the board game shelf behind the couch*
The Kitchen
Don't mind us laughing at Baloo in the middle of our photo shoot.
Around the Neighborhood
When I take Baloo for a walk or go for a jog, I like to go up the hill to the college. Peninsula College has a beautiful campus and some fun trails behind the buildings. On the way back down the hill, you can get a great view of downtown and over the strait.
Peninsula College has a cool series called "Conversations Towards a Culture of Justice". Every Thursday they host a free zoom meeting about an issue of justice with different guests. Check the Events Calendar for the links to each week's meeting!
I've grown extremely fond of this town. I like how in the summer most people let their lawns dry up because there will be plenty of rain come winter. I love the wide streets and big trees. We have our favorite Thai restaurant and milkshake place. I don't know how long we will be here, but while we are, it feels like home.
Thanks for taking the tour, and welcome to the Pacific Northwest (but don't expect this kind of sunshine all the time)!
Sweet! First off, I'm an introvert who does NOT like being the center of attention. But you are nice and this feels more like one on one, so I feel a little bit better about it all. I studied Photography in college because I was drawn to being able to be creative within the context of a physical skill (using the camera). Truth be told, I actually was an "undeclared" major until the middle of my Junior year. If that's not telling of my indecisiveness, I don't know what is.
BUT I'M WORKING ON THAT.
Travel
I currently live in Port Angeles, Washington. Ocean, mountains, temperate rainforest, glacial lakes- it's all here! I have been living here on and off due to my partner's seasonal job at Olympic National Park. Oh the seasonal worker's life! A lot of my nature photography is from hiking and backpacking around the park. When we aren't here, we live in Marquette, Michigan. There's a lot of adventuring in-between when we travel to and fro- I've had opportunities to road trip all over the country. My non domestic travels include Thailand, Chile, Costa Rica, Belize, and England. I'm saving up for the day when the Covid pandemic is over and I can visit more places!
Some Stuff, in no particular order
- My favorite art to consume is abstract landscape painting.
- Shit is my favorite casual curse word (sorry Grandma).
- I super duper care about sustainability and feminism and that NOW is the best time yet for television.
- I do not like IPAs, so stop telling me how amazing these octuple IPAs are. Yuck.
- I LOVE CHRISTMAS, and Winter is my fav season.
- I use a DivaCup instead of tampons and it has made my life better.
- I love deep souls who don’t take themselves too seriously.
- I get crabby very easily.
- I've got an older sister and brother-in-law and a younger sister and two adorable parents. Shoutout to Myrian, John, Eleanor, Mom&Dad! I also gained some pretty rad in-laws. Shoutout to Jenna, Spencer, Lauren, and Mom&Dad L.!
Me & My Art
I’ve realized that verbal communication is not my connection point. Photography connects all those hard to explain feelings, vibes, and intuitions through visuals instead of words. I think that is why I am so drawn to making abstract images. Most of my series work is emotionally driven; I use space, line and color rather than representational objects to convey emotion.
What I'm Working On Right Now
Anti-Racism. Since the murder of George Floyd and subsequent protests, it became clear to me that I was not where I needed to be in the fight against racism. I had not been paying attention, had not been doing the reflection and work about my own bias and racism, and have not been anything close to the ally that I should be. Since then I've been trying to catch up. I know I am late. I don't have an excuse and I don't need you, my reader, to make excuses for me. I have been reading to educate myself, following a program by Rachel Cargle called The Great Unlearn, and attending video conversations/events to better understand and prepare myself for the work ahead. White people, this is our problem and we've gotta do better and be better.
Intersectional Feminism. One of my passions is passionate women- they are the most impressive and motivating force to me. Feminism has been an important movement and rallying cry for me. However, feminism has long been co-opted by white cis women. I want to be a part of feminism for ALL women. I am working on understanding the history of feminism beyond the white framework. I pledge to be a safe and welcoming space for women.
Food. My food challenges right now are buying *local*organic*fair trade*sustainably produced* items. I try to get as many of those qualities as I can in most items I buy, but I definitely cannot claim to get all of those in every single item. My roommates and I joined a composting service earlier this summer, and it feels awesome to keep all that organic material out of the trash!
Clothing. A few years ago I made a New Year's Resolution to not buy any new clothing unless it was from a company that used sustainable and fair labor practices OR was second hand. I've bought a few items that didn't fit the challenge since then. BUT overall, I have kept that practice of reducing my consumption of new clothing or supporting businesses that do it right. Sometimes it's just time to get new underwear, ya know? But I'm willing to pay extra so that I don't contribute to horrible working conditions that many laborers deal with.
Parks and Rach
Whew. Thanks for making it this far! As a reward, here are some cute pics of me and my partner, Parker. He's real nice. We've been together for eight years now! Eight years means a lot of different hair cuts, man. Fun fact: I designed our wedding "ring" tattoos.
Left: This is Parker proposing to me!
Below: And this is at our wedding!!!
The rest of these images were taken by Sabrina Leigh Studios. These were the first professional images we've have taken since our wedding. Sabrina is so sweet, and I love these images. I think they capture our cuddly friendship. We did this social distanced session during the first month of the COVID pandemic on the steps of our previous apartment building in Marquette.
Anyways, go hire Sabrina! Insta @sabrinaleighstudios
So that's a little intro into me and my life. Thanks for joining me and please come back soon!
I'm so excited to be starting this blog and sharing more of my work, but it would be strange and wrong if I wrote this without talking about what is happening right now. On May 25, 2020, George Floyd was killed by Minneapolis police officers. It's now August; protests against police brutality and racist policies continue, often times being met by more police brutality. And the Covid-19 pandemic continues- another spotlight on the racial inequities in the United States where communities of color are disproportionally negatively affected (cases, deaths, access to resources).
Black people in the United States are disproportionally targets for police brutality and the corruption of our criminal justice system. This is the result of our long history of racism, that is alive and well today. There are a lot of people who have spoken on the matter who know more than me, who have been dealing with this much longer than I have, who are far more eloquent that I am. Go follow them and LISTEN. There are tons of black activists and artists whose voices are far more important than mine. That being said, if you are white and are struggling to understand- feel free to reach out to me and I will happily pass on some information. I am not an expert, but I am here if you want to join me as I am learning how to be anti-racist.
Racism is not a niche or special interest issue. Racism exists in every single industry- definitely including photography. Racism is my problem to help fix. As I am learning to be a better ally, I welcome feedback. If (more likely when) it's brought to my attention that I am messing something up, I will address it.
We live in a world where if I don’t declare that I believe in the value, rights, and humanity of black people- it will be unclear what side I fall on. So let me be clear, BLACK LIVES MATTER. If you are black, please know that you are welcome here.
Here are some people and resources that I have found very helpful:
Rachel Cargle and her course The Great Unlearn
Spirit of Revelry Instagram @spiritofrevelry - Portrait Photographers creating tutorials for white photographers to learn about properly photographing and editing people with melanated skin!
Anti-Racism Reading List from Ibram X. Kendi
Thanks for checking out my first blog post, and stay tuned for more!
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